One Precious One
How many days did you consider leaving life before the day you swallowed the pills? Did you edge away from it gradually making your way toward the abyss so slowly you couldn’t distinguish its depth its darkness from the rest of the path? Did you take three baby steps forward then one giant step back, your life one long game of Mother, May I? When the day came I was at kindergarten pulling rumpled dresses from a costume box coloring inside the lines You were home with two cats a pink satin chair Tylenol and a bottle of Thunderbird How many pills did you swallow at one go? Was it a by-the-handful endeavor? Or more of a one-by-one-lay-them-out-in-a-neat-row-on-the-bedside-table sort of thing? Did you take them slowly, rhythmically each pill clicking past your teeth like prayer beads on a string? Did you inhale after every swallow? Did you exhale at all? And at what point did your breath stop altogether? When did your head fall back on the pillow into oblivion arriving in that sweet, dark place we all crave at one time or another? But for most of us something just one small thing or someone just one precious one pulls us back reigns us in holds us close And we take one giant step back into life together Mother, may I? Yes, you may But not you You took one giant step forward into death alone And I’m still here living Wondering why I wasn’t your one precious one
My mother’s suicide is a fact. My grief is a scar. There is no fixing it. There is only writing about it and asking you to bear witness. Both of these acts require courage, curiosity, stamina, and the willingness to pause and notice. To stay in our bodies and let the sensations come and go. To look each other in the eye. To feel the brutality of the truth, as well as its power to heal. To take baby steps. Not toward the abyss, but not exactly away from it, either.
The important part is to stick together.
You're right about sticking together--your mom has been in my thoughts so much lately for a number of reasons, especially the recen tdeath by suicide of my next door neighbor, which has affected me deeply, and I am finding that no one in my little circle of friends and family wants to talk about her what happened to her.You are very courageous to put your thoughts out in the open, and to make an effort to re-imagine what that day might have been like for her. Keep in mind the life you are living now and how you are surrounded by family and friends who love you and value you for the wonderful woman you have become.
I can’t stop thinking about this since I read it a couple of days ago. The grief and pain are palpable. I feel it in my gut. Love you.